Baby, Can I Hold You
by xxLittle Black Dressxx
Summary: Addison and Alex's lives revolve around babies...just not their own. Set to Tracy Chapman's song, "Baby, Can I Hold You."


A/N: I don't know about you, but I'm finding Addison's baby storylines on Private Practice to be pretty depressing; so it prompted me to write a baby-related Addison/Alex one-shot. This story has a little bit of a different feel from my other stories (at least I think so), but I hope you like it. Thanks so much for reading! :)

* * *

><p><strong>Baby, Can I Hold You<strong>

_Sorry,  
>Is all that you can't say.<br>Years gone by and, still,  
>Words don't come easily.<br>Like sorry,  
>Like sorry. <em>

"_I'm, um, sorry," Alex apologized, as he and Addison broke apart from an almost a kiss._

"_No, I'm sorry," Addison said breathlessly. "Gosh, I'm…really sorry."_

"_No, I'm okay," Alex stammered. "I'm just, uh, er, gonna," he trailed off, as he made his way out of the NICU._

That he could apologize for. An almost kiss, that he didn't regret, he had no problems apologizing for. But he couldn't apologize for the big things…the things he actually was sorry for. He was pretty sure that Addison had seen through his whole "I'm not interested" act. But she had fallen for his "you're not my girlfriend" line. And then she left. And he was sorry.

He couldn't look at a baby without thinking about Addison. He didn't know when that had started. He told himself it began with Laura Grey, the baby that he and Addison had almost kissed in front of – but, truth be told, he knew it had started much earlier. It could have started with the woman, who had two babies with different due dates...where the smaller baby, the baby girl, calmed down when you talked to her about sports. He wasn't assigned to the surgery, but he stepped into it anyway…stepped into it and, according to Sloan, forfeited his future in plastics. Not that he cared about that anymore – he couldn't see himself working in plastics anyway.

As much as he had given Addison a hard time, he had found himself warming up to her specialty and, admittedly, to her as well, long before the case with the two babies with different due dates. He had watched how affected she was when they worked on the case where the teenager had somehow managed to hide her pregnancy from her parents, and had thrown her baby in the trash. And he had learned what it felt like to really save a life, when he removed Melanie Reynolds' son from her dying body. And then there was the case with the Wards – the case where he had gotten Addison a lawsuit, and his ass became hers until she said otherwise. Later on, he would feel sorry about that, but he would never apologize because he realized that, if it hadn't been for that case, he never would have gotten to work with Addison…never would have gotten to know Addison. So, maybe he wasn't that sorry after all.

_Forgive me,  
>Is all that you can't say.<br>Years gone by and, still,  
>Words don't come easily.<br>Like forgive me,  
>Forgive me.<br>_

"_Take off your shirt," Bailey orders._

_Alex clutches the preemie that he's holding closer to his chest. "What? No. Take off your shirt!" he retorts._

"_No, no. Just – the kangaroo hold," Bailey explains. "It's most effective when there's skin on skin contact. Usually it's the mother but, you know, you're gonna have to do…I'm not kidding!" she insists. "Take off your shirt!"_

He takes off his shirt.

He's been at the hospital all night. He couldn't get Izzie to call him back, he couldn't do anything about the enormous medical bill that she left him with – he couldn't do anything about any of it. But he could sit at the hospital and hold the baby…the premature baby girl, who was pulling through against all odds. He could sit with her, holding her against his bare chest, so that she would know she wasn't alone.

Reed had come to sit with him…to make small talk with him. But he didn't feel like talking to her. She was nice enough; he just wished she was someone else. It was only natural that he was thinking about Addison, he reasoned. He had spent the night holding a baby and, well, babies made him think of Addison.

As soon as he leaves the hospital, he calls her. And, before he knows it, he's catching a plane to LA. He can't remember which one of them suggested it.

She meets him at the airport, and they barely make it to her car before they begin making out frantically. She fumbles for her keys in between heated kisses and opens the back door to her Jaguar. He throws her down on the leather seat, a little rougher than he had intended to, but she just wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him on top of her. They begin frantically tugging at each other's clothes, unable to undress each other fast enough. The sex is desperate and urgent and when they finish, he holds her close, finding comfort in the skin on skin contact.

They drive back to her place. She offers him dinner, but they decide on sex instead. This time, it's not rough. It's intimate and caring and forgiving. As they lay naked, wrapped in each other's arms, they both know that all is forgiven between them. She's forgiven him for rejecting her; he's forgiven her for leaving.

As they lay in bed together, he pulls her in closer and whispers, "I saved a baby today."

She turns to face him, leans in, and kisses him softly on the lips. She doesn't say anything, but the kiss says it all – she's proud of him, she's there for him, and for the first time in a very long time, he feels like he's not alone.

He knows that they've fully forgiven each other, a year and a half later, when he shows up at her apartment, one evening, unannounced. He's working for a new attending, Dr. Stark, and they've gotten off on the wrong foot. Sure, he and Addison had gotten off on the wrong foot, but he had always respected Addison. So far, Dr. Stark has done nothing to earn Alex's respect.

He had come up with a way to use a ping-pong ball to save a baby's life, and Dr. Stark had taken all the credit. He didn't care, really…as long as the baby made it – that's what mattered. But then April Kepner found him in an on-call room, and began complimenting him and saying how unfair it was for him to do all the work only to have Stark pass it off as his own. So he made a move on her. But she wanted to take things slow. She wanted someone who was going to hold her hand. He couldn't do that…at least not right now. He had just gotten back from Iowa – from putting his schizophrenic brother in a psychiatric ward. He had held his family's hand through that mess; he couldn't hold April's hand too…not right now.

He boards a plane to LA and, a few hours later, he's standing in the doorway to Addison's house. Her eyes immediately go to the bruising around his left eye – Jackson Avery's way of paying him back for what he had done to April. But she doesn't ask about it. And he's glad.

"Are you seeing anyone?" he asks hoarsely.

"Excuse me?"

"Are you dating anyone?" he repeats.

She shakes her head, and he smiles before pinning her against the nearest wall. He kisses her roughly, and she responds in kind, digging her nails into his back, being just as rough with him as he is with her. She slips his shirt over his head, and begins trailing kisses along his muscular chest, kissing him just hard enough to raise a mark. While he fumbles to unzip her dress, her hand gently moves towards the bruising around his left eye, and she feels his body stiffen uncomfortably as she begins to caress his cheek softly. She gets it – he doesn't want gentle. Not right now. So she steps out of her now unzipped dress, wraps her arms around him, and scrapes her fingernails against his back. There will be time for gentle later.

They're laying in bed together, and Addison moves to gently stroke the bruising around Alex's eye. This time, he lets her.

"You wanna talk about it?" she asks.

He says 'no,' but she knows he means 'yes,' so she just waits.

Finally, he sighs, and begins to tell her about his family, and his brother, and the whole ordeal with April and Jackson. She doesn't say anything – just lays next to him, gently caressing the bruising around his eye. He's struggling to get through the story, and she can tell that he's not used to sharing such intimate details about his life and his past. So she decides to make things easier on him. "Tell me more about the baby," she requests.

"The baby?" he asks in surprise.

She nods. "Yeah; the one you saved with a ping-pong ball. Tell me more about that."

He gives her a grateful smile, and she can feel him relax, as he tells her about the baby that he helped save.

"You're a decent guy, Alex," she tells him once he finishes his story. "And it seems like you're turning into a pretty good doctor."

He shakes his head. "I'm pretty sure you're the only person who sees that in me."

"Well everyone else doesn't know you very well, then," she whispers.

They begin to drift off to sleep but, before they do, she takes his hand in her own and rubs it reassuringly. And even though he might talk tough and act tough, he has to admit that he's grateful to have someone holding his hand for once.

_But you can say baby;  
>Baby can I hold you tonight.<br>Maybe if I'd told you the right words,  
>At the right time,<br>You'd be mine._

She flies out to Seattle to save Callie and her baby. And she's successful.

"Cute kid," Alex muses, as they run Sofia's post-ops.

Addison nods. "She's adorable."

He watches as she blinks back the tears brimming in her eyes.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Fine," she answers without missing a beat.

But he knows she's lying. He can't decide whether he should do her the courtesy of pretending he believes her, or whether he should press the issue further. In the end, he decides on the latter.

"You're not fine," he says.

She's about to object, but he grabs her elbow and drags her into the closest on-call room.

"What about Sofia?" she tries to protest. "We need to keep checking up on her."

"Half the hospital's checking up on her," Alex assures her. "They can do without us for a little while. Now are you gonna tell me what's wrong?"

She sighs heavily, and meets his warm, brown eyes. "I thought I might be pregnant," she finally confesses. "Before I came out here, I thought there was a chance that I was pregnant. I'm not, though."

He nods, unsure how to respond.

"It's probably for the best," she continues. "My boyfriend, Sam, he doesn't want kids…so it's probably for the best. It's just, I got my hopes up. I know I can't have kids, but, I don't know, for a second there, I thought maybe I had a chance."

He wraps his arms around her, drawing her in close.

"What are you doing?" she mumbles into his chest.

"Holding you," he says simply. "Is that a problem?"

It's not a problem. She can't remember the last time she's been held like that. Sure, she's with Sam, and they have great sex, lots of great sex, but she can't remember the last time she's been held like that.

They lay down on an on-call room bed together. They don't have sex. They're both in committed relationships; she's with Sam, he's with Lucy – and they're not cheaters, at least, not anymore. So they settle for laying there together, holding each other close.

They lock the door. They don't need someone walking in and getting the wrong impression. And as minutes turn into hours, Addison realizes that while her life, at the moment, may not be ideal, for now, being held by Alex Karev is enough.

_I love you,  
>Is all that you can't say.<br>Years gone by and, still,  
>Words don't come easily.<br>Like I love you,  
>I love you.<br>_

She's standing in the bathroom, staring at the little white stick in her hand – at the tiny negative sign glaring back at her. She knew it was a long shot but, once again, she had gotten her hopes up – thought that maybe this time, maybe just this once, things would work out for her. Tears prick her eyes, and she knows she can't go back out there to face everyone. They're about to enjoy a lovely Thanksgiving dinner and, although she knows she has a lot to be thankful for, right now, she's not feeling thankful…and she doesn't want to bring everyone down. So she slips out of the house, without saying a word to anyone, hops into her car, and drives to the airport.

She calls him – asks him if he can meet her at the Archfield. At first, she feels bad; she wonders if she's pulling him away from his own Thanksgiving festivities. But he answers 'yes' so quickly that her guilt immediately fades. Alex Karev isn't a Thanksgiving person anyway, she reminds herself.

He's waiting for her in the lobby when she enters the hotel. She holds it together until they're upstairs, alone in their hotel room, because she's Addison Forbes Montgomery, and she doesn't cry in public. Once they're alone, she breaks down in his arms.

He pulls her onto the bed and holds her close, rubbing soft circles on her back, occasionally placing gentle kisses on the top of her head.

She calms down, and tells him everything. She tells him about her first failed IVF treatment, her most recent failed attempt, her collapse from the hormone injections, Sam's admission of infidelity…although, admittedly, she was too out of it from the drugs and from having just come out of surgery to fully understand what he was saying.

She reaches into her purse and pulls out her most recent pregnancy test.

"From today," she explains.

He sees the negative sign. "Why do you still have it?" he asks.

She shrugs.

"You should throw it away," he advises. "It's stupid to hold on to it."

His bluntness doesn't surprise her, but it still stings.

He senses this and pulls her into his arms. "You need to stop hanging on to things that are holding you back," he explains more gently. "You need to move forward."

She looks up at him, and softly kisses him on the lips. He responds in kind, but pulls away after a moment. "Sam?" he asks.

She doesn't say anything. She may as well have shouted it from the rooftops – she's hanging on to things that are holding her back.

So they don't sleep together. They settle for a pseudo Thanksgiving dinner instead – room service and drinks from the mini bar. They talk about work, so they don't have to talk about life. And, as they talk, he can't help himself from thinking about how, even though he counts Meredith and Cristina among his closest friends, Addison is the only person he'd ever do something like this for. If he didn't know any better, he'd think that he loved her. But he can't think like that, so pushes those thoughts out of his mind.

He lets her sleep in his t-shirt. She left in such a hurry, she didn't pack anything. They climb into bed together, and he instantly wraps his muscular arms around her. In that moment, she's convinced that she loves him. But she quickly rationalizes that it's probably just the stress of the day talking. But as he holds her closely, as they drift off to sleep, she can't help wondering if maybe it's more than just the stress of the day talking.

_But you can say baby;  
>Baby can I hold you tonight.<br>Maybe if I'd told you the right words,  
>At the right time,<br>You'd be mine.  
><em>

This time a man calls him – some guy, Jake Riley. He's only half listening to what Jake's saying until he mentions that he works with Addison. That stops him cold. He's still trying to piece together what exactly is going on, as Jake explains that he hasn't known Addison very long, but that something devastating has happened and that, in between tears, Addison had told him that Alex was her go to person for things like this. And then it all makes sense. Babies. He and Addison are each other's go to people for babies…though he's not sure when that happened.

He's on the next flight out to LA and, a few hours later, he's walking into Addison's practice. A man, who he assumes must be Jake, greets him and leads him to Addison's office.

"She's a mess," Jake warns.

"What happened?" Alex asks.

Jake sighs. "Adoption fell through; last minute…very last minute."

"Shit."

"Yeah. I can't get through to her. No one can. So, um, uh," Jake trails off.

"Babies are our thing," he says simply. "Let me see what I can do." He looks at the door and then back at Jake. "Sam?" he asks.

Jake shakes his head, and the two men share a look of understanding. "It's for the best," Jake finally says, reading Alex's thoughts.

Alex nods and pushes open the door to Addison's office.

She's sitting on the couch, staring blankly into space, and he can't help thinking that Jake's warning that 'she's a mess' is a bit of an exaggeration.

"Hey," he says softly, as he moves to join her on the couch.

She meets his eyes but doesn't say anything. So he sits down next to her and wraps his arms around her. Suddenly, she's breaking down in his arms, and he knows that Jake wasn't exaggerating. He can feel her tears soaking his shirt, and she clutches onto him desperately, as she falls apart in his arms. He doesn't know what he can say to her to make things better; even after all this time, and after all of the disappointments they've been through together, words don't come easily. Plus, he's pretty sure there are no words for this. So he holds her tighter, and lets her cry.

"I didn't get the baby," she chokes out finally.

He nods. "I know."

She looks at him quizzically.

"Jake told me."

"Oh," she says quietly. "I delivered her…I delivered the baby I thought I was going to adopt. I was literally holding her in my arms when her mother told me that she had chosen another family."

Alex cringes at the cruelty of the situation. "Sucks," he mutters, rubbing her back gently.

Addison nods. "I guess it's payback…you know, for my crimes."

Alex shakes his head forcefully. He's heard this argument from her before. She thinks that her inability to have children is her punishment for cheating on Derek…for aborting Mark's baby.

"You know that's not true," he tells her. "You're a good person; probably the best person I know. You save babies. You're going to be an amazing mother."

She looks at him skeptically.

"Don't look at me like that," he insists. "You know I'm right."

He spots a book of baby names among the medical journals and textbooks on her bookshelf. "Perfect," he smiles, as he gets up off the couch to retrieve the book.

She follows him with her eyes. "Alex," she tries to protest, when she sees the book in his hand.

"You know, you hear all about these books," he begins, as he joins her on the couch again, "but this is the first time I think I've ever actually flipped through one of these things."

"You don't have to do this," she says softly.

He ignores her. "So, should we look at girls' names first or boys' names?"

"Alex," she tries again.

Again, he ignores her. "Hmm…well, whenever you talk about having a baby, you always say 'her' and 'she,' so I think we should look at girls' names first," he says, flipping the book open to the section on girls' names, and pulling Addison in closer so they can look at the book together.

So, they discuss baby names…actually, they argue about baby names. And it dulls the pain temporarily. After countless arguments about traditional baby names and trendy baby names, and unisex baby names, Addison sighs exasperatedly. "I'm gonna have to go out there eventually," she says. "I'm gonna have to face everyone."

Alex nods. "They seem nice enough," he offers. "You have a lot a people out there who care about you."

She knows he's right but, right now, she's only really concerned about the man in her office, who clearly cares about her, and who she clearly cares about as well.

"I'll go out there eventually," she concedes, moving back into his arms. "Just not yet."

_Baby can I hold you tonight,  
>Maybe if I'd told you the right words,<br>At the right time  
>You'd be mine...<em>

Babies are their thing. They've saved babies together and they've lost babies together. Babies have shaped their professional identities, and have served as segues into their more personal and intimate conversations with each other. Alex once told Addison that they owed their entire relationship to babies. Addison insisted that their relationship would have happened regardless. Alex is content to let her win this one.

He's laying in bed with Addison, late one night, thinking about the babies who have changed the course of his life: Laura Grey, the two babies with different due dates, Melanie Reynolds' son, the preemie, the baby he saved with a ping-pong ball, Sofia, the little girl that Addison never got to adopt, among many others. And as he wraps his arms protectively around his sleeping fiancée and moves his hand to rest on the swell of her stomach, he can't help thinking about the baby who will inevitably change his life forever…the baby who will change his life in a way that no other baby has – his and Addison's baby.


End file.
